I rolled over and checked the time. 4:30 a.m. I still had about an hour but there was no way I’d be going back to sleep now, my nerves had wound a tight knot in my chest. I was going to be having a baby today. I was excited to finally be able to meet my little guy. But I was really nervous too. How much pain would I be able to stand? I wanted to wait as much as possible for my epidural but I knew my pain tolerance wasn’t very high. Since this was my first labor, both Jayson and I were anticipating a twenty-plush hour labor. So even though I was being induced today, it was a very real possibility that we wouldn’t actually have our baby until tomorrow. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to go that long. I was afraid of a lot of things but just decided to ignore my worries. I had support from Jayson and my mom and my doctor was great so what could go wrong?
Finally, after an hour and a half, I was able to call the hospital to see what time they wanted us to come up and get started. Jayson was a bundle of nerves; he would have gone up right at six if that was an option. The nurse told us to be up there at 7:30 and we could get started. Our “go-bag” was packed, as it had been for two weeks, and loaded in the car. Our dogs, Annie and Oakley, knew something was happening; their attitudes were different. We took them out, made sure they had eaten and drank and put them in the kennel. I felt bad for leaving them but I knew that my mom and sisters would take care of them while we were in the hospital.
Suddenly, it was time to go. It had snowed a little bit during the night so the roads were a little wet. It was supposed to snow more today but the sky was clear and the sun was coming up and shining brightly; I wasn’t sure how much I believed the weather report. Jayson was getting very excited; I could tell because he was jabbering away but I was more withdrawn. He asked me what I was thinking but I wasn’t sure what to tell him. What wasn’t I thinking was probably the more appropriate question. Even though my brain was running a million miles an hour, it was like I couldn’t form a coherent thought.
We got to the hospital right at 7:30 and it was upstairs to the second floor, Labor and Delivery, to get all checked in. Once all the paperwork was done, they showed us to our room, #12. Our first nurse was Lindsey and she explained to us what was going to happen. Dr. Benedict would come in and break my water, and then they would start the Pitocin in my IV line to start the contractions. The first cervical check I was dilated to two centimeters and the baby was at the ‘minus two’ station. Dr. Benedict came in right at 8:00 and broke my water. That was really weird; you feel like you are wetting the bed and it goes against all you are ever taught about NOT wetting the bed; a very odd sensation to say the least.
By 9:00, I was feeling my contractions but they were like ones I had been having at home. They were mildly uncomfortable but they definitely weren’t painful. The nurse came in and said they were turning my Pitocin drip up by two units, which was the standard increase. I was all for it. I wanted to get to the hard stuff; that meant I was that much closer to actually holding my little guy. About fifteen minutes later, Lindsey came back in and said that they needed to turn the drip back down. With every contraction, the baby’s heart rate would drop a little and it was taking longer than it should to return to normal. They said that this was a common problem and once his heart rate stabilized, they would increase the drip by one unit at a time instead of two. I was a little bummed that they needed to do it slower but I wanted the baby to be safe and okay.
By noon, my Pitocin drip had been increased four times and I was really starting to feel my contractions. Jayson was helping me breathe through them and rubbing my back while mom was helping by rubbing my legs and telling me when the contraction peaked so I knew it was almost over.
My nurse came in at 12:40 to check my cervix and see how much it had changed. I was at three centimeters and was about 90% effaced. My contractions were coming about every two minutes but some were coming quicker than that, which wasn’t doing me any good. Lindsey said if they kept coming closer than two minutes, we would have to drop the Pitocin down again. Even though I couldn’t really do anything about it, I tried to focus on having a contraction every two minutes and no sooner. I didn’t want to slow down. I didn’t want to slow it down any so I told Jayson that I would try and stick it out. These contractions were getting painful and with every one, I was really close to crying. I could tell my mom did not like seeing me in pain and she offered more than once to get my nurse and anesthesiologist but I wanted to try to hold out just a little longer. Jayson and I wanted to try and make it to 2:00 before I had my epidural because Lindsey had told us that with some cases, having the epidural actually slows the dilation down. That was at 1:07. By 1:25, every contraction was very painful and I knew I wasn’t going to make it until 2:00. I had my mom go and get my nurse, Judy (who had come in at 1:00), so I could have my epidural. The anesthesiologist was there about ten minutes later and had me bend over off the edge of the bed while Jayson held onto me and kept talking me through my contractions. About fifteen minutes after the anesthesiologist had placed my epidural catheter, I could no longer feel pain. I could still feel the pressure of my contractions but they weren’t painful anymore.
By now, it was a little past 2:00. My new nurse was such a sweetheart. She checked my cervix and I was dilated to five centimeters. I had gone from three to five centimeters in just over an hour-we were all surprised! That much change and I wasn’t in pain; it was great! Now we just needed to wait until I was more dilated. Jayson and I had brought some Simpsons DVDs to watch and kill time, so that’s what we did. Every once in a while, I would check the monitors to see how the baby’s heart rate was doing; it was still dropping with every contraction but it was eventually coming back up to normal. The nurses weren’t openly worried about it so I just tried to keep my mind on something else.
At 3:30, I was ready for another cervical check. I was almost completely effaced; my cervix had what’s called an “anterior lip” still but that was it. The baby had moved down to the ‘minus one’ station; I knew he had moved further down because I could feel him lower than before. We were getting close, which was really cool; this was speeding along a lot quicker than I thought it would. My mom had to leave right after this last check to pick up my sister, Chelsea, from school but I knew nothing significant was going to happen while she was gone so it was okay. Jayson and I continued to kill time, watching Simpsons, updating our families and surfing the internet (Yes, I updated my Facebook status several times during my laborJ). Mom got back at about 4:30 and my doctor, Dr. Benedict, came in about twenty minutes later. I was dilated to nine centimeters and still had the anterior lip on my cervix. We were all really shocked I was that far. I had only been in labor for nine hours and I was almost ready to push.
The baby’s heart rate was still dropping with every contraction. At this point, I was just hooked on the external monitors that wrap around the stomach. Judy came in and said that Dr. Benedict wanted to switch to the internal monitors to more accurately track the baby’s heart rate and my contractions. Judy told us this was just a precaution. After they placed my internal monitors, there was a beeping that timed with the baby’s heart rate. I could feel my contractions coming and with every one, I could hear how slow his heart rate dropped to. It was dropping down into the 70s; a normal baby heart rate range is 120-150 beats per minute. I was beginning to get worried and I could see Jayson was too. On the monitor, I could see all the notes the nurses were putting on my chart. The most recent note said “Physician notified-advised to proceed with amnioinfusion per instructions”. Not having any idea what amnioinfusion was, Jayson looked it up online. About the time he found some decent information, Judy came in with a second IV pole. She told us that they were going to flood my uterus with saline to try and rehydrate it and see if that helped his heart rate stabilize. Even though I was trying to stay calm, I was starting to get worried.
Dr. Benedict came in again to check at about 5:30. I could feel pressure further down inside. He checked my cervix and I was ready to go. The pressure I was feeling was the baby’s head. He was at the ‘plus two’ station. However, when Dr. Benedict checked me, the baby’s head was turned to the side instead of down like it was supposed to be. Dr. Benedict tried to get him to turn his head but it didn’t seem to help. Judy said it was still possible to have a vaginal birth even with his head turned. I really didn’t want a Caesarean so I really hoped she was right.
Now that I was fully dilated and effaced, it was time to push. I looked at mom and Jayson and could feel the excitement in my face; the long wait of the past nine-ish months was finally coming to an end and I was going to have my baby soon. Judy began to pull all the necessary tools out of the closets. It was only 6:15, my labor had gone really well and it seemed like everything was going good; but I had forgotten about the problems with the baby’s heart rate. With all the emotions I was suddenly experiencing, it would be a while before his heart rate was brought back into the forefront of my mind.
Jayson was at my side, ready to rub my back and help hold me up while I pushed. Mom held my left foot and Judy held my right. I began to push, expecting a lot of pain but there wasn’t any; just pressure. Mom counted to ten for me while I held my breath and pushed as hard as I could. With each contraction, I pushed three times, for ten seconds each time. I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right because I couldn’t really feel anything but everyone told me I was doing it right so I just kept going.
I pushed like this for forty-five minutes. I was feeling pretty good; a little winded but I was just excited to be almost holding my baby. It was about 7:00 when Dr. Benedict came in to check again. He had gone from being dressed in business casual clothes to the standard green hospital scrubs. Judy told me that when I pushed, the baby moved down to the ‘plus three’ station but would move back to the ‘plus two’ station when I was done pushing. Since the baby’s head was still turned to the side, Dr. Benedict wanted to try the ‘vacuum’ on the baby’s head to see if he could move the baby down a little bit. Before he placed the vacuum on the baby’s head, he put on a gown and cap in case delivery happened quickly. He placed the vacuum on the baby’s head and during two or three contractions, tried pulling while I was pushing. I looked at Jayson’s face and could tell something was going on but I was trying not to focus on anything but pushing.
Suddenly, Dr. Benedict said to Judy, “We have to do something. We can’t keep watching this.” I saw Mom’s face get a confused look and she asked him what he meant. He said “We need a C-section” but I knew what he meant before he explained it. It was like everything I didn’t want to happen was going to anyway. Wondering what he meant about not wanting to keep watching ‘this’, I turned around to look at the monitors. With every contraction, the baby’s heart rate dropped into the low 30s. Something was really wrong but I was terrified to have a C-section. The combination of being scared about the surgery and being so worried about the baby put me into tears. I remember telling Jayson and my mom how unfair it was; my pregnancy had been so easy and my labor was far from the hellish nightmare I had prepared myself for and now, after having it so easy, I had to have a C-section.
It was 7:17 when Dr. Benedict called for the C-section and it seemed like nurses and aides came out of nowhere. I was being told who this nurse was and who that nurse was but I was too upset to pay that kind of attention. They laid me back on the bed and put the stirrups away. An anesthesiologist came in and started telling me what he was going to do. Someone came in and threw a pair of scrubs to Jayson and told him to get dressed if he was coming with me. Another nurse placed an oxygen mask on my face while another did a blood draw on my left arm. Mom was telling me how proud she was and how it was going to be okay. Mom’s C-section had gone so horrible-she had every complication possible and I was terrified mine would go the same way. I knew Mom was doing her best to calm me down but I was absolutely terrified. I saw Jayson changing and grabbing the camera to bring with him but it was like everything was happening so fast; there were so many things that I wanted to focus on but my thoughts couldn’t move that fast. I kept apologizing to everyone for being so upset even though Jayson, Mom and several of my new nurses kept telling me that I had nothing to apologize for. I sure felt like I did.
I said goodbye to my mom and called out to Jayson to make sure he was with me. The operating room was just down the hall from our room so we were there very quickly. I heard someone call out “entering OR at 7:25.” What had felt so long to me back in my room getting prepped for the transport had in reality only been eight minutes. The put the drape up so I couldn’t see what was going on but I could see enough of a reflection in the overhead light so I turned to focus on Jayson, telling him that I didn’t want to do this. He told me that everything was going to be okay and that soon our baby was here.
The anesthesiologist told me that my drug dose in my epidural wasn’t fully kicked in yet but as soon as the baby was out, they would give me something stronger. I could feel tugging and pulling and I knew that was the doctor trying to get the baby out. The anesthesiologist was telling me that I was almost done, a few more tugs and he would be out. I grabbed onto Jayson’s hand and I felt a final pressure-popping sensation and I must have blacked out for a few seconds. When I came back to, I kept asking Jayson if he was okay. I looked at Jayson’s face and saw tears in his eyes as he said “Listen, that’s our baby. Can you hear him crying? That’s our baby.” He pointed over to the left side of the room where I could see a cluster of nurses around an area. This is where they were cleaning the baby off and checking his responsiveness.
I could hear the baby crying but I felt so disoriented. I think at this point, the anesthesiologist gave me more powerful drugs because I passed out. I’m not sure how long I was out but it was long enough the nurses had finished cleaning up the baby and Jayson was holding him when I came to. I could see Jayson and could see him holding a blanketed bundle but I couldn’t make my eyes focus enough to see him clearly. I tried to reach out to touch my baby but it felt like my arms weren’t long enough or that I couldn’t make my arms move the way they were supposed to. I said out loud that I couldn’t see and someone from behind me said it was a side effect of the drugs. I wanted to say something but my brain and mouth refused to cooperate together.
I don’t know if I passed out again or if I just couldn’t concentrate long enough to notice but suddenly Jayson and the baby were gone. The anesthesiologist told me they had gone to the neonatal intensive care unit, or NICU, since he was a C-section baby. I felt so unstable and I hated it. I had so many questions to ask but the only one I could form was to ask how much he weighed. The anesthesiologist told me he was seven pounds and three ounces. As I was trying to form another question, he told the nurses “You’ll probably have to answer that a few more times, she’s had a mixture of Versed and Ketamine.” I wanted to tell him I could hear every word and didn’t appreciate being talked about like I wasn’t there but I didn’t have the energy, so even though I was a little mad at him, I let it go.
The next time I woke up, I was in a different room. The lights were dimmed and there was only one nurse with me now. She was sitting at a computer and when I began to stir, she told me that I was in the recovery room for the OR and would be here for an hour. All I cared about was where Jayson and my baby were, and if he was okay. The nurse told me they would be here as soon as they were released from the NICU. I was still so confused and foggy. I had no idea what time it was. The nurse said it was almost 8:00. It felt like so much more time had passed. She told me the baby was born at 7:36. As I struggled to do the math in my head, I realized from the time that the C-section was called for to the time the baby was born, only nineteen minutes had passed. It took eight minutes to get me prepped for the OR and another eleven minutes to deliver the baby. That was incredible. It had felt like SO much more time had passed.
I asked if they were able to see why the baby’s heart rate kept dropping with every contraction and it turns out that the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. Every time I had a contraction, it would put pressure on the cord, causing his heart to slow down. When I had a contraction and pushed, it was completely kinking it off. That was also why the ‘vacuum’ wasn’t doing anything to move the baby; he was down as far as he could go. I’m so thankful my doctor had the experience and insight to know when to call it quits; had we done anymore, we could have caused damage to him. After I had my questions answered, the nurse began running though a series of her own questions about my pain levels and whether or not I could feel my legs. All of my vital signs were normal and I was starting to be able to focus my eyes again; I just wanted to see my baby. Mom came in and started telling me how beautiful he was and how he had so much hair.
A few minutes later, my need to see and hold my son was fulfilled. Jayson came in and a nurse followed behind him pushing a cart with a clear tub on the top. Even though my eyes were beginning to see better, I couldn’t see much detail that far away but I could hear the baby. Boy, did that kid have lungs! Jayson jokingly laughed and told me that he was the loudest baby in the nursery. I had to giggle. I was so anxious to see him and hold him up close to me. In the back of my mind, I was still bummed about having a C-section but that emotion was erased when Jayson told me Dr. Benedict said I had done great and should be able to have a regular delivery next time, if I wanted.
Jayson handed me the baby and almost instantly, he stopped crying. It was perfect. He was beyond description. He had the most beautiful round face and when he opened his eyes and looked at me, it was like a piece of myself had been replaced; a piece that I didn’t even know I was missing in the first place. I never wanted to let him go. It was absolutely astounding how something so little could have such a pull on me. All of the fears I had when it was decided I needed a C-section and all the worries I had about my recovery were completely erased in that moment. I knew there were days that were going to hurt but none of that mattered right now. I had Jayson next to me and little Peyton in my arms-life was perfect.
Peyton has been here for a little over a week and I couldn’t love my life anymore than I do right now. I love his little hands with his long fingers that he likes to wrap around mine. I love his long feet with his monkey toes that he can grab blankets with. I love his long, dark hair and I love how his eyes look like they are going to be like his Daddy’s. I love how little his butt is compared to how big his belly is. I love how he sneezes. I love the look on his face as he coughs after he ate too much. I love that he smiles; I don’t care what the reason is, I love that toothless grin no matter what. I love his chubby cheeks. I love his sad faces; they are so cute, I can’t help but smile when he makes them. I love the sounds he makes while he is sleeping. I love how he stretches when he first starts to wake up. I love how his skin smells and how it feels on my lips when I kiss him. I think that it is safe to say I love everything about the second man who has stolen my heart.
